The Dad I Didn’t Really Have — by Darrell Wright [*POEM*]

Here’s an exquisite 14-line poem by Darrell Wright, former monk, in which he tells of his sad relationship with his father . . . “the dad I didn’t really have.”


The Dad I Didn’t Really Have

 Today my father would be eighty-eight.
I cannot form the words to speak
but they must stay within
and it’s too late
to start again.

It is the blight of men
that they must wait
until they pass
to know
who and what is at the other end.

But I still harbor hope
that day may come
when I behold my father
as my friend.

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30 thoughts on “The Dad I Didn’t Really Have — by Darrell Wright [*POEM*]

  1. Most guys prefer their moms for some reason. Maybe Sigmund was on to something with his Oedipus Complex. I feel sorry for sorry for sons whose dads are a disappointment to them.

    Thanks, Darrell. Good poem. Watch out, Gilbert — someone is reaching for your crown! 🙂

  2. Good poem and sentiment, Darrell Wright. It is difficult (for me, at least) to write upon such personal subjects, simply because I believe people tend to read things too darkly.
    Apart from what Sardonicus says, above, my own disappointment regarding my own father was not the he didn’t love me enough – I just never took the time to try to really know HIM. I can read your poem either way, like the eyes of a well-done portrait follow one all over the room! 🙂

  3. Well done! I pray for inner healing for your heart and your fathers.

    My own dad seemed very hands off, distant for the time I was growing up. I resented it until I became a parent and started to understand the enormous pain he was in. Having lost two sons (one to murder and the other to suicide) I am sure he felt like a loser parent. (I too have felt very much a loser at times in my parents skills or lack thereof).

    However, some time around my later twenties, he and I started to grow close. Which leads me to believe that it is never too late for any relationships to have healing and growth. Both parties must participate and not have any expectations. Let the chips fall where they may, and the outcome may be surprising!

    I will say this, this is a freeking hard world for men!!! They live very quiet, unknown desperate lives. They are supposed to be The Man, with so much riding on their shoulders. They have no community because should the actually share their fears or concerns or dreams, they risk being humiliate or worse, ignored. Women can get emotional with their girlfriends, but if the shtf, eventually they get over it. Not so with men.

    We hope for what we do not see and do not have, now.

  4. Be grateful when you are provided the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven while those you conflict with are still alive. This is the purpose of life. Lessons not learned today will be repeated until they are learned. Thus suicide is no answer, for one repeats the process continually until that outcome is understood and the issues driving one to suicide are faced. There once was a man who was friends with his father in a former life. In that life his friend shot and killed him. In this life the act was repeated. The father confronted the son with a 44 magnum thinking he was a burglar. Heated words were exchanged and the father finally put the gun to the son’s forehead and cocking the hammer screamed, “I’m going to kill you, I’m going to kill you”. The son looked him cold in the eye and said, “Go ahead pull the trigger! I’m ready to go, nothing would make me happier than to leave this life. I’m ready, pull the trigger, but realize when you do we will have to do this again.” The father lowered the the hammer and walked away muttering curses. From that moment their relationship began improving. The son eventually forgave his father for all the wrongs he perceived had been committed by the father. As time went on the son began helping his father resolve those problems his father encountered as he aged. As for the son, one by one he worked through forgiveness for issues he had with other friends and relatives. Every such conflict, every enemy, taken to the grave, will most assuredly return in another life in similar form so the soul has the opportunity to deal with it again.

    There is another man, a very old man who has never forgiven his mother for the wrongs he attributes to her, but are in fact largely his own perception. This man has many infirmities and health issues that would have killed others long ago, yet he does not die. His extended life provides the chance to awaken in this life, but it is up to him to recognize the root of his problem lies deep within himself. And so he lies crippled and almost bedridden, suffering physical and mental pain from all the past injuries of his life.

    Think of life as a school and those subjects failed are repeated until successful outcome is achieved. As Boris Mouravieff wrote in Gnosis, It’s like a movie. The actors and the scenery change, but the story remains the same. This is what Jesus meant when he said “love thine enemies,” but the maxim is applied to humans. There are those that appear human in form, but are in fact soulless entities put here as a foil for humans to overcome. It’s all a test to polish the soul’s mirror, like miniature holograms, each soul serves to reflect the Beloved’s perfect image. The rag used for polishing is called suffering. Along with aging and death, those we stand in conflict with provide the polish. The key lies in knowing this. And while we’re on the subject of inhuman –

    “Behold, I will make them of the Synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.” — Revelation 3:9

    Thanks to Incogman for pointing out this obscure tidbit.

  5. I was once very sorry about all the botherations and troubles I caused my father.
    I was a selfish arrogant and prideful little SOB. .

    Before I was even born my father had undergone tremendous trials and suffering.
    Why would I add to that? Was I insane, thoughtless and callous? Yes I was.

    How could I love my father and still harm him? THAT is the question.

    It’s also the answer to why I know what it is to ‘bend a knee’ with contriteness in the heart. The apex of intelligence. Why do so many of even the uber-intelligent people suffer? Why are they so ate up? Because they offer up their minds only.
    Their hearts are still secret and guarded even as they are actually 100% open books to the (Holy Spirit/Paramatma/Super Soul) AND God the Person..

    Yes there are endless explanations, imaginings, conjurings, etc. as to why I feel relief and at peace with my father. I choose to call it grace..

  6. i was lucky enough to spend an hour or two with my own father just a few days ago
    some how the conversation came around to bob dylan and when he expressed an appreciation for the skills the man shared, i was floored and took his arm and thought
    ‘we are not as different as i perceived, after all’ ha – my dad always sang to us as kids
    and i thanked him for that and every thing else he did for me – we’re good now, finally

    nice poem, Darrell

  7. I began to love my dad more only after he was dead. That’s the truth. When he was alive, he was a remote background figure and it was my mom who took center stage. I began to appreciate my own parents only long after their deaths. When they were alive, they were simply creatures of flesh and blood, and I took advantage of them.

    I deeply regret that when I had a lot of money I showed no generosity to my mother in her old age by paying for her to go on a long cruise or take a holiday in the sun. No, I wan’t mean, it just didn’t occur to me to give her a couple of thousand bucks for a beautiful vacation by the sea that would have cheered her up mightily and strengthened her old bones. Ah, the things we would like to do if we could live our lives again!

    In a sense, I can understand Chinese ancestor worship. Now I am no longer young myself, I look at my ancestors with veneration. They lived, they suffered, they died. They brought me into the world. I was the culmination of all their struggles. They are now dead, but they have passed on the torch to me. Their blood runs through my veins.

    Funny, I now have my parents’ photos on my desk. I see their faces every day. They are long dead. If only I could reach out to them now to tell them the things I never told them when they were alive!

    One day perhaps in the paradise of our dreams we will all meet again and there will be wine and feasting and there will be Eternal Youth! There will be time for tears and their will be time for laughter and there will be time for regrets. Let it be so, as we stroll over the peacock lawns at the End of Time . . . 🙂

    1. Wow, this made me cry.

      For you men to confess these things I think will bring a certain healing to the land.

      I for one, came out of institutional churches and have found the LORD GOD on my own (in a wilderness sort of way). It has been and continues to be a very eye opening experience. I believe YAHWEY is GOD and YAHSHUA is HIS SON. I think there is a lot we do not know, but I will say, I really do think, if we will surrender to YAHWEY in our hearts to enter into HIS rest (stop trying and just be and listen for HIS voice), I believe we will have a future hope past this fleshy life.


  8. Thank you all for your kind words. I think it odd, though, that the fact that I’m a former monk seems to be so big a thing that it’s not only mentioned in the description but also in the choice of the picture. It doesn’t bother me but it makes me wonder if there’s some kind of celebrity or esoteric quality attached to having been in a monastery that trumps the theme of what one is writing about. I know Lasha wanted me to write about my experiences in the monastery, even in an article here, but I’m not too inclined to do so, but I don’t mind at least sharing for now that one or both of my superiors were homosexual and they thought I was a terrible and incorrigible anti-semite.

    1. @Darrell

      I know what you’re saying. For some people it takes being in a monastery in order to have a proper setting for reflective thinking. But I’m here to tell you that this is far from being a prerequisite.

      I’m seemingly forever in the process of writing a book, and MOST of its content has been written while driving around all over the place delivering flowers to people in my little part-time gig to supplement my income.

      The awesome mystery of thoughts come into my head, and if a video were made of a typical day for me, viewers would shake their head in disbelief over how often and WHERE in any given moment of inspiration I would pull off the road to get the thoughts down on paper.

      A fellow motorist on the road with me at the same time watching such a video would say, “Hey, I was behind that nut when all of a sudden he pulls a u-turn and comes to a stop into a hayfield on the other side!” 😉

  9. … one or both of my superiors were homosexual and they thought I was a terrible and incorrigible anti-semite

    is there a design pattern here? … homosexual superiors supportive of christkillers.

    rc church is seen as to no small extent infiltrated by jews and homosexuals.

    could it be that jews use homosexuals as a trojan horse for not only invading but also destroying catholic institution from inside?

    abstinence, instead of diverting from “sin” (normal sexuality) actually diverting into the real sin and deviant behavior and perdition.
    i don’t see correspondent erosion in the eastern branches, not that i know much about them.

    seminarians should be screened for normalcy.

    priests should be allowed to marry.

  10. lobro, you’re right except for your last sentence: “Priests should be allowed to marry.” Believe it or not, a celibate priesthood makes for a more efficacious spiritual and moral ministry. It’s part of God’s plan. Jesus said there are those who make themselves eunuchs (in a figurative sense, unlike Origen who castrated himself) for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Just because our culture has been excessively sexualized, it doesn’t mean that the clergy should not be celibate. It’s not a coincidence that a great majority of canonized saints were celibate priests, bishops, monks, nuns, lay sisters and lay brothers. An undivided heart has a greater opportunity to give of itself wholeheartedly.

  11. as the providence would have it, today my mind got diverted to this particular track, due to this interview of gilad atzmon on the topic of george orwell’s prophecy

    a quick intro: he points out that 1984 was not a critique of stalinism but in fact, a prophecy of today’s thoroughly weakened and corrupted white society.
    moreover, orwell got the notion of the jews being the true “big brother” as early as in the spanish civil war, the homage to catalonia.

    (admission: the first time i ever read or listened to anything by atzmon)

    i posted my observations on rowan berkeley’s niqnaq and would like to reproduce them here, as per below.

    to me atzmon’s value is not so much in accuracy of analysis but in his ability to make me sit up and pay attention because of some new angle from which he shines light onto something i had written off as old hat.

    here is this new angle:

    jews went en masse to participate on the republican side, all these abraham lincoln (ny jews) and trotsky battalions … why? “to fight fascism, antisemitism”.

    but the proper venue would have been germany, no? franco was primarily a catholic, in fact of at least part jewish ancestry and hitler/mussolini supported him in reaction to heavy bolshevik element in the republican forces.

    examination of letters home to ny reveals this strong desire to destroy catholic presence in spain, burn churches, kill priests, violate nuns … ostensibly because they were communists, atheists, anti-religion.
    but, as atzmon points out, as jews revolting against religion, wouldn’t it have made sense to destroy a bunch of synagogues, a priori?

    never happened … so what’s up?

    hard for me to resist the idea of “hey, back to talmud project of world ownership”.
    pundits and learned talking heads can blather on until their jaws fall off but avoiding this subject shows me that they are only too aware of it and are studiously avoiding it and are in fact 5th columnists promoting it.

    i just don’t see competing theories that don’t trip up on some contradiction.

    in other words, in 1930s, world jewry regarded the catholic church as a greater obstacle to the zionist program than national socialism.

    well, isn’t it great that today’s catholicism is a sick parody of the pre-conciliar church, i know that at this point i am deviating from discussing orwell’s thematics.

    conchita wurst for pope! no prob …

    my bottom line:
    jews spent their entire history identifying their enemy and waging war (preferably undeclared) against it.
    christ is (was/will remain) the great enemy of the judaism.
    for once, jews should be trusted, ie, their fear is real and justified.

    1. And meanwhile, on the metaphysical side of the matter…..

      A premise of faith:

      God never abandoned a suffering Christ on Satan’s cruel device. How could either know how long an occurence of pain is SUPPOSED to last when it was Satan’s fear that invented it in the FIRST place? And then along came Time for the ride, and this mysterious “coil”…..

      If God was in Christ’s dire situation it would have occured to him TOO that he was being forsaken. But Christ knows his own kingdom, so there was no doubt that would alter everything for him. They both know that Satan is the ultimate liar, and that what he was offering Christ is nothing but illusion. Satan says Christ had his chance in the wilderness. Christ laughed in his ugly face.

      The core deception assigns an omnipotence to God that takes away the onus of responsibility on Man. Demonstrated by the Aussie Brendan O’Donnell when he refused to apologize to the jews when in front of that puke judge who then proceeded to send him up the river.

      Or William Wallace of Scotland when he was on the rack and they told him if he would just bow down to his English king they would stop ratcheting up this other infernal device another notch.

      Or in a lightbulb moment, when the parents of a baby boy about to go under the knife tell the fool wielding it to “get the HELL out of here!”

      And the jeering mob on Cavalry Hill yelling, “give us Jesus AND Barabas. Or better still, storm the whole evil operation and free them themselves!”

      Or……………ad infinitum. Goddamned endless list.

      What do we get instead but a reinforcing spin. “If only the jews in Europe had resisted the evil nazis in their march to the death camps……. Well now, we’ll see to it that this NEVER happens again.” – twisted mockery of talmudic infernal vigilance.

  12. Rowan banned me again, lobro. I think you might have been there but I’m not sure if you had a chance to read my horrible uber-offensive comment before Rowan, in a fit of, well, you know, wiped my comment and me from the Niqnaq screen.

    An attempt at a joke, (an emulation lobro). A joke I thought was relevant or at most, mildly diverting.

    Without further excuses or tears of contriteness; the ” joke”

    “On alien maps of our solar system, the earth is designated # 729”

    Oh the horror, eh?

    1. that’s just rowan, hp, not to worry too much or take him for granted.

      a most un-english-like dude, him.

      another one i made friends with the last time in india, at the kipling camp at kanha national park.
      we were good buddies but i never realized he was brother of camilla, the duchess of cornwall until i sadly read his obituary.

      he was quite prickly but we got on famously, i think he simply could not stand idiots.
      i helped wash tara, his elephant on the occasion of her 15th birthday.

      1. Great stuff as usual, lobro.

        Partly why I find myself trying at times to emulate your wit. Even a little bit.
        Yes we all have a touch of the masochist in there somewhere.
        We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t.. (;>)

      2. your wit is just fine, hp. exceptional I would say

        so I’m trying to connect some dots with sanskrit references to”goy” and its variations to cattle, from there to cattle mutilation stories to planet #729

        While also hoping you are sneaking extra special cookies

    2. @ hp. Rowan banned me again, Lobro…

      Cheer up, he banned me too! Many moons ago. And I survived the horror and the shock. 🙂

      1. I remember, X.
        I also remember he hit on you, attempted to lure you to his (no doubt) deceptively spartan lair.. (;>)

  13. I’m old enough to remember when the Catholic bureaucrats got the pencil out and erased the part about no meat on Friday. Talk about a sign of things to come!

    Is that too much penance to ask of the faithful? One lousy day a week they can’t eat meat and they can’t even handle that! Not too impressive or reassuring a foundation, is it? Neither are sodomite priests impressive. As good an act as they might put on.

    Bureaucrats disguised as ‘the faithful’ pencil whipping the rules.
    What’s the difference, again?

    1. Actually, hp, abstaining from meat on Fridays is still required for Catholics UNLESS for some important reason they choose to do some other form of penance or self-denial on that day. Most Catholics don’t know this, even many priests, so almost everyone now just thinks that Catholics can now eat meat on Fridays. Confusion and the spirit of the world reign in the modern Catholic Church. Another self-destructive change in church discipline (as opposed to doctrine which doesn’t change develops organically, so to speak) is the reduction of the fast before receiving holy communion to one hour, which basically means one can’t eat while driving to church since communion is usually about 45 minutes after the beginning of Mass. When you basically have no fasting before communion, and communion now received in the hand by most Catholics, and lay ministers of the eucharist, mostly women, all over the sanctuary, and priests not purifying the sacred vessels after communion, is it any wonder that most Catholics don’t believe in the real presence of Christ in the eucharist? We live in an age of mass apostasy from the faith. The salt has lost its savor, and as Christ said, when that happens “it good for nothing except to be thrown out and trampled under foot” – that is, by its enemies, which is exactly what is happening today.

      1. Thanks Darrell. I did not know that was still in effect – “UNLESS for some important reason they choose to do some other form of penance or self-denial on that day”

        Any guidelines or (gasp!) orders/instructions or do the non-abstainers just pick their own penance? (wink wink)

        If I seem cynical as to people writing their own rules, so to speak, it’s no doubt because I am.

        Thank heaven for “the little ones clutching their rosaries” and the fact that there still are such people to show the big shots how it’s done. Honest!

        P.S. Abstaining from meat should be seven days a week, just because, well, you know why..

      2. it’s in effect for me, always has been since my childhood.

        if one trace of the observance remains, it is that one.

        in fact, i pretty much extended it to the rest of the week, if for no other reason then to give vent to antisemitism (not down with kosher slaughter, be it of animals or people).

  14. Speaking of Fathers:

    A school of thought suggests that the protocols are not of human origin. That they are written by non-humans whose goal it is to…..well, you know THAT story.

    The rest of the story gets complicated, but not in a way that loses sight of a basic understanding of good vs. evil. So however much importance is assigned to one’s species would be open to debate. Although a supposition that would come from this sees “goyim”= all humans.

    Seers report that these non-humans don’t simply REGARD humans as cattle, but that they don’t (i.e; can’t) make any distinctions in their perception of the two species. Within this framework (Earth in its present state) the “pile” is humanity, whose individual members are situated from top to bottom with jews being generally TOWARDS the bottom, and the worst of THEM underneath the whole lot. But “under a pile” still puts them on the surface. As close as humans can get to the Father below. Over the top of the pile is Christ, closest to the Father above.

    Human experience could be seen as existing in submarines. Billions of ’em that will in the end either rise to the surface and above the offending pile, or sink to the bottom and out of reach from the saving grace.

    1. “The Blessed Lord said: There is a banyan tree which has its roots upward and its branches down and whose leaves are the Vedic hymns. One who knows this tree is the knower of the Vedas.

      Bhagavad-gita 15:1

      Tree of Life

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